Saturday, June 20, 2009

Goodbye, Karma

I'm in a bit of a pickle. I need to decide, fairly quickly, whether to tell the truth, or tell a lie.

The truth would hurt someone, but the lie would protect him. But telling a lie is a sin, right? It's just the wrong thing to do. And doing the wrong thing now can come back to bite me in the ass later, right? Like, karma.

But I don't believe in sin, because I don't believe in God. But karma, I believe in karma. I believe that my actions today could affect what happens to me in the future. The very thought of karma comforts me when some douchebag steals my parking space. He'll get his! What comes around, goes around.

But wait. If I don't believe in God, then why do I believe in karma?

If I don't believe in some supreme, omniscient being, why would I believe that there's something else out there in the universe that is paying attention to everything we do and making sure we get rewarded/punished appropriately?

Oh.

I don't! I don't believe in it. I don't believe in karma. Now THIS is the kind of enlightenment I'm interested in!

I suddenly feel free! I can do anything I want, and the only retribution I can plan on facing is that delivered by another human being, most likely in a court of law.

Now, I'm still going to continue trying to be a good person. The Judeo-Christian philosophy of telling the truth no matter the consequence still plagues me, so no worries, I won't turn into deceitful, cheating asshole. However, when it comes to more ambiugous situations like this, where the truth hurts, and the lie protects, I might just bend my morals a bit. But just a bit.

Monday, June 08, 2009

Becoming Familiar

No longer do I feel like I'm living from one out-of-body experience to the next. I feel very much grounded now. My new life is more familiar, less puzzling.

Today, and tonight, I'm feeling serene. After staying up until 3:30am, I slept late, waking slightly after noon. I took my time getting ready. Straightened my hair, applied light makeup, wore my new True Religions (I might be crazy, but they seem like they're worth the money), and headed out to the mall.

I lazily strolled to each stop: Kiehl's for lip gloss; Aveda for shampoo/conditioner, and a complimentary hand massage; and finally, the Gap, where there was a 25% off summer dresses sale. I bought three dresses, each in a smaller size than I've ever worn, a pair of shorts, and a skirt. The dresses are remarkably beautiful. The colors, the design, the fabrics, and the flattering silhouettes. I'd look in the mirror after slipping each one on, shocked by how trim they were, and how good I looked in them. It felt amazing.

Afterwards, I drove back to my neighborhood with the convertible top down, good music playing from my iPod. Today was a sunny, breezy, perfect day. I stopped off at Starbucks for an iced coffee, and sat in a sunny spot on the patio, chatting with my mom, who seems upbeat. From there, I continued on my way, enjoying the warm sun moderated by the cool breeze. I felt at peace.

And tonight, I had two, great phone calls. One with m.g., my heart and soul. Another with t.m., someone who suddenly makes life fun again. I'm enjoying myself.

I can't wait to see what happens next.