Oddities

Each day continues to feel stranger than the next. The out of body experience continues.

I don't recognize my life anymore. I looked in the mirror today, and my reflection was surprising and foreign. Pleasing, but unfamiliar.

Right now, I'm lost somewhere between sadness and happiness. There are moments of elation, and then, when I'm alone again, I slip into my old self. It's confusing, and disorienting.

When I look back at this time in my life, I wonder if I'll be able to remember any of it? I can't even remember everything that happened yesterday. It's so strange--I've never felt like this before.

When a caterpillar is metamorphosizing, does it ever pause to admire the changes in process? If so, I bet it feels like me right now.


I'm also a bit stunned. I had a long, beautiful yet disturbing conversation with my sister tonight. We talked a lot about our family, both immediate and extended. The amount of dysfunction is horrifying. I know everyone complains about having dysfunctional families, but I think ours crossed a line, past the Lifetime miniseries stage, past the 20/20 or Dateline specials, and right into shit that just doesn't get publicized. I'm simultaneously impressed with us for turning out as well as we did, and disgusted. I'm left wondering how I can possibly attend the next family reunion without puking everywhere.

I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm horrified. I'm proud.

I'm hungry.

Out of Body

Interactions between men and women are so odd.

I feel these intense societal pressures to act pristinely. Don't curse. Don't be crass. Don't dress inappropriately. Don't be loose.

I wanted so badly to let myself go the other night, to let loose and follow my instincts. These crazy alarms that I've never heard before suddenly sounded off in my mind, these deafening reminders of my moral obligations as a woman.

So you know what I did? I said, "Fuck it." I loosened the reins an inch or two.


You know what I think now? Those rules are there for a reason. Sometimes guidelines are necessary.

Geez, do I really think that? I don't know. What the hell is wrong with just doing what you want, if it doesn't hurt someone else?

Why did I let myself be shamed? Too easy of a role for me to play, I guess. The smarter half of me knows I have nothing to be ashamed of; the dumber half is louder.


This past weekend feels bizarre. I feel ill thinking about it, and am even having trouble remembering all that happened. I'm not terribly interested in remembering.

Instead, I'm craving the familiar more than ever right now. What I'd give to look into the eyes of someone who knows me so thoroughly that words aren't even necessary. How good it would feel to surrender myself to him, tired and battered by distant shores, relieved to be home again. I thought I was looking forward to exploration. This is harder and more treacherous than I had imagined. All I want is his comfort, warmth, and ease of conversation. I miss being loved, and loving.

I'm not in search of a reconciliation. I just want my best friend back.

Again, I ask, does this get any easier?

What will today be remembered as? The day I got the brush off? The day after a great day?

It's starting again. The weakening of my foundation, my sense of security. It always happens around this time, like clockwork. I want it to stop. I want these negative thoughts to never penetrate. But they do, inevitably, and this is how I crumble.

I don't want to think or worry about the past. Why do I let people define me, and assign me a value?

I don't have a good feeling about this.