Embittered, NY Transplant

Less than three weeks ago, I was a New Yorker. I took the subway, I had a dingy apartment in Queens, I paid way too much taxes to the city, I walked everywhere. I hung out with my friends, ate tacos at Viva El Mariachi, drank at 8th Street Wine Cellar, loitered at Whole Foods in Union Square. I had no need for car keys, just my MetroCard. Didn't have a mall, but I had 5th Avenue.

These days, I live in California, in Santa Clara (South Bay). I spend my days driving around, watching TV, taking naps, searching for jobs, and walking around the mall in effort to stall atrophy. My butt has never hurt so much in my entire life--sitting, sitting, sitting.

No skyscrapers here, just redwoods and bushy foot hills. It is warm and often sunny, or other times, damp and chilly. There are trees here that I have never seen before, with seeds shaped like spiky bombs. It's not as beautiful as I thought it would be.

People here dress in North Face uniforms, complete with straight-fit indigo jeans, and possum brown hiking boots. Toyota Prius is the state flower. Most people are extremely nice, from store clerks at Macy's to your local Starbucks barista. "Hello, how are you?!?!"

Some days, I like it here. Other days, I think about my apartment in Astoria, which is now vacant, and cry. I look at my stagnant checking account, and wonder how long it will take before I am able to find a job. But on brilliantly sunny days, when I look out over the Bay and the city, I feel so excited to be here.

I just feel like my life is on pause. Most days, I sit around the temporary rental apartment for hours, my tail bone aching, napping out of boredom. I constantly feel a clawing anxiety in my chest, like I need to be doing something, but there's nothing to do.

I hope that I will never wear Uggs. And I hope that I will never wear hiking gear as my every day outerwear. But I do hope that I will come to love this place. I hope that it will one day feel as a part of my identity as New York did, as it does. I understand it'll take time, but for now, I am just waiting for life to resume.